I think it is fine for a T to encourage a client to see a pdoc. (You used the word "push", though, so it sounds like T was going against your own inclination?) Once a client does see a pdoc, they can consult with the pdoc as to whether meds can help, whether they are appropriate, etc. It is not your T's fault that the med choices your pdoc and you made did not work out for you. But maybe your T will learn from this that meds are not the answer for everyone and not to "push" so hard in the future when the client offers resistance.

I do think it is odd your T is taking so much responsibility for this. She gave you a referral she thought would be helpful. It was up to pdoc and you to decide whether to proceed beyond the consultation stage. It does sound, however, that your T could have empowered you more to do what you felt was best for yourself. I hope you can talk to your T about this and tell her that you feel she is begging for you to absolve her. That must feel really uncomfortable.

The med issue is so charged, I can understand why you would be having some anger and angst about this, Wishmouse. My first therapist said she would not work with me if I took meds, so I felt really cornered and like I had no choice or she would drop me. What pissed me off was that after 6 months of working with me, she realized how ineffectual her CBT methods were and urged me to go see a psychiatrist. I ignored her advice. Too late for that. It really made me feel like early in therapy she hadn't taken my problems seriously and thought she could solve them with band-aids (get more exercise, get more sleep, talk to your friends, etc.). It was really invalidating to realize she hadn't believed the depth of my depression and pain, like I'd been faking it or something.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Am also going through med-withdrawal, so I am not really thinking rationally. A)Having exciting dreams about torturing people (sic), B)swinging between anger and depression; C) and visualising being shot in the head (can feel the steel against my temple etc.

How do I handle this?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Talk to your pdoc. I read in another thread that you had dropped your pdoc, but I hope you can keep some contact up since you are still on meds and having difficulty with withdrawal. Pdocs can help plan out a way to taper off gradually to minimize negative symptoms, and if the taper program is not working, can consult on how to alter it for better results.

Wishmouse, I also want to encourage you to keep up with therapy. I don't know what your presenting difficulties are, but I was able to beat my depression with the help of a second therapist, meds-free. He took a different approach (non-CBT) that was highly effective for me. Good luck.