i don't think there is one 'right' way for everyone, and i think that everyone needs to figure their own path, what seems right and what works for them.

i think i can get similar things out of my way of casting it, so maybe the only thing we are really disagreeing on is the choice of the label. and it isn't really a disagreement insofar as it is a personal decision (and i would never claim to know whether it applies to another).

i think i understand about being taken aback, though. i remember telling my therapist about how my mother used to feed me when i was about three and i hated it. and he had this surprised look on his face. and i realized that the majority of mothers weren't trying to spoon feed their kids when they were three. that took me aback... i thought it was an example of my willfulness rather than my mother failing to nurture my independence...