Sometimes the feelings I'm left with after therapy are TOO MUCH. I've had an eating disorder for something like 20 years and I just gave it up 25 days ago. At first, it was okay - I felt really vulnerable, without that to fall back on, but was hanging in there.

We talked about the eating d/o in therapy today, and how I feel now, and I don't know, we really got down to the deep self-loathing that I have. When T came and held my hand at the end of session (how we always end) I felt guilty that he had to touch stupid, ugly me.

I feel like the cat's out of the bag - now T really sees what a big stupid ugly loser I am. I feel like I said "I'm a big stupid ugly loser" and T probably thought "hey - I never noticed before, but you're RIGHT"

I don't know what to do with myself. I want to binge and purge, or drink (quit that 3 years ago)....or do something much worse and more harmful. I can't live with myself feeling like this. I hate this.