I try soooo hard to do everything I can to make everyone happy or help people. I stopped running away from home when I was younger to keep my parents from being angry with me, despite the fact I was running away to get away from my cousin raping me. I've went to the mental institution countless times so my family would stop worrying about it. I stopped dating so my dad would stop calling me a ***** and no good. I got my GED so my parents would be proud of me yet I'm still told I'm ignorant. I DON'T UNDERSTAND! I've gotten clean from drugs, I've tried my best to stop SIing so much, I have no friends, and I do everything I possibly can to make them proud of me.

My mom goes from saying she's proud of me one day to telling me I'm going to hell for saying a curse word the next day. My dad never ever hugs me or tells me he loves me because he's disappointed in how I turned out. He tells me all the time how 'chunky' I am and how I need to lose a few pounds, yet when I start working out he accuses me of doing drugs again! I can't please these people, yet I can't get away so I have to listen to it constantly! My mom is over my SSI check and I have to do pretty much whatever she says because she holds my check over me and that's my only support to paying for things I want or need.

Right now I'd just rather be gone. I'd rather just fade into nothingness and not be a burden on them anymore and at least then my pain would stop. I don't even know what it feels like to really live and be happy. So freaking pathetic!