Sting, sounds like a rough time for you now and you are having some grief over the potentially lost relationship. It is so hard to think of the end of a relationship, even if it hs been less than perfect. It has been 12 years of both of your lives.

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I have remembered what a strong, fun, and self-sufficient person I am while also learning to rely on friends for more support

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">That is great. Sounds very healthy.

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I am beginning to think he is someone who will never be there in the way I would need him to be

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It is good that you know what you need. Have you told him what you need from him? That gives him a chance to try to give you that or to tell you he is incapable, will never be able to, etc. But at least you gave him the chance. Is your marriage of 12 years worth doing this for?

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I feel a little as if I have always known what needs to be done and have waited for him to do it

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Does he know this? Did you ever share with him what you felt needed to be done? Maybe he had no idea you were waiting....

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He did say very recently, for the first time, that he could imagine us talking to someone together about us, ie marriage counselling. I agree that he has to 'sort' himself out a little more first...

It's clear that couples counselling is the solution. But what if it takes him another 6 months or longer to be ready to even try. What do I do in the meantime?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">It sounds like he proposed marriage counseling to you but you declined because you felt he needed more time with his individual counseling? Why not just start with marriage counseling now? It sounds like you are afraid the marriage is slipping away and may soon cross the point of no return. What have you got to lose? It sounds like he is ready to try couples counseling now. Take him up on his offer and go with him.

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but now I don't feel like or trust my own understanding and want him to say something clearly.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">Can you tell him that you need this from him?

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I am looking into counselling for myself

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I think you could use that support right now.

In couples counseling, you will spend some time on communication, including how to tell each other your needs and how to listen. Any couple can really benefit from this.

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how far away can I allow myself to go in my mind, not to speak of my body, before I've gone too far to come back?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">The answer is different for everyone. Can you share your fears with your husband on this?

Good luck.