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kim_johnson said:
well... I asked you before:

> So... If it wasn't there... Then that would mean that you wouldn't get to experience the closeness, connection, and intimacy, on a level that is deeper and stronger than any sexual connection?

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Perahps I was using my transference as a defense against having to think about the answer to this question, lol.

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And now I guess I'm thinking (as I was suspecting before): That the answer is: No. If you didn't think / feel sexual thoughts about him sometimes then you wouldn't feel such an intense bond with him. Maybe that... If you didn't think / feel sexual thoughts about him sometimes then you wouldn't be special to him / he wouldn't be special to you...

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I'm wondering which came first. I honest with I could pick out the exact date that I decided I want to %#@&#! my therapist-- and then find out to what level the emotional bond existed before then.

I am thinking, though, that bonds exist on many different levels. I feel connections on emotional, creative, professional, and intellectual asepcts. I don't know that these wouldn't exist without the sexual component-- it is more like there can't not be a sexual component if these connections are preexisting. T said that it is natural for someone to want sexual closeness when that individuals feels such an intense bond with another.

I do feel a persistent need for him to find me attractive/have sexual thoughts about me-- that if he doesn't, then that is a rejection-- and like you said, I am not special to him.

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There is a reason why many people think that sexualized transference is a defence: A defence against what?

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Yeah, I had been doing some reading from two erotic transference books I have and the debate between ET being a defense and being an authetnic feeling. The argument in the book is that the feeling we have for our therapists are the true sexual and loving feelings that we would hold towards someone outside of therapy-- the things that we would essentially look for in a lover. The author of that book maintains that in our relationships, we fall in love and strive to make ourselves better-- we want to be that "perfect" person for the one that we love-- and we find ourselves doing the same thing in therapy... changing, partly as a result of the love and attachment that we feel towards the therapist.