I just feel so DONE with everything; i hate the food i have to eat, if i don't eat it i'm sick as a dog, nothing has any taste any more, the only thing i want is chocolate -which then makes me even more ill. I can hardly swallow things anymore; not food, water, medicated water.... i end up spitting things out, throwing things away - even spitting out (sorry) half swallowed food because I just can't deal. I'm in constant pain. I hate it here and hate myself for not moving out (or even taking up the suggestions to move in w/ppl). I dislike people and want to be alone! I want to live alone. I don't want any more responsibility, i want to just read and paint. I don't know how to finish my paper due in 5 f-n days. I can't even get out of bed hardly. It took me half a day of stumbling around to finally get enough energy to get out of the house for food....

on reflection - think this has anything to do with the dr apt the other day where i triggered and switched into a younger self? All these things were true before that - but today i am not coping well with it at all. i don't want to continue to COPE with it. I want it OVER. Why can't it just be over....