I have been spending a lot of time thinking about relationships and what is important. I think I have come to the realization of what is most important (I'll get to that later).

At any rate in my first marriage I became distant from my wife. She is a very manipulative person, uses fear, obligation and guilt to get what she wants. She often uses emotional outbursts to get attention. She beat me down mentally and emotionally. But, she was always there for me when things were tough.

I made the horrendous mistake of entering into a rebound marriage. You see, in my first marriage I felt rejected. After our mental and emotional intimacy broke down physical intimacy was non existent. So fiding an attractive, younger woman with a strong libido was like a gift. Trouble is that I let the pleasure of the physical intimacy cloud my judgement. She took me for everything I had, was a scam from the start. Used me and discarded me when she was through.

I later met someone that was so wonderful, kind, loving, sweet, compassionate. We had a great relationship for over two years. Part of it was very rocky as I was battling depression resulting from the fall out of my second marraige. I did act out and did some pretty horrible things. But, even after two years and it being great when it was great.... she opted not to stick by me.

I guess what I have learned is that the most important thing in a long term relationship is committment. Someone that is going to stand by you no matter waht. I had that with my first wife. I probably should of dragged her into a really good therapist to help her get over being an emotional cripple and end the manipulation. Because after that no woman has come even close to really being committed for the long term. Many people at mid life have their own agenda, or its more "convenient" to bail when it gets tough. Pretty pathetic. Although, I guess I got what I deserved in the end. I "Bailed" on my first wife. I should of hung in there and made sure she received help. I paid the price for not doing that, and now I am getting the same in return over and over again. And the irony is that I am relentless about committments in relationships now. I would do anything for the woman I love. I would stand by her side through no matter what is thrown our way. All I want is the same thing in return, just not sure if that is out there for me. It matters not as I have no intention of even trying to seek out a relationship. It is just not worth the pain in the end.

Christ, now my ex girlfriend has even blocked all my e-mail. I wanted to meet her just to be honest with her about what happened and be able to tell her to her face. She set something up but there was a problem in communication and it didn't happen. Now she has even blocked receiving e-mail from me. That is such bull &^*% after investing over two years of my life with her. I will tell you this is crazy, absolutely nuts. I know I screwed up, but I also know that I would fight for a relationship that was good for both of us like no one else. I am just beginning to think that relationships are just not waht they are cracked up to be.