I am really trying to figure out what this "personality issue" is with me.

I grew up in a house with two alcoholic parents, both physcially and emotionally abusive.

I was pretty much in survival mode most of my childhood. There was no pattern I could ever figure out to stop from getting hit. I tried to be "good" but no behavior on my part resulted consitently in not getting hit. So I did whatever I could, lie, contort myself, anything I could just to survive.

The problem I have today as a 35 year old women is this behavior is killing my marriage. I don't even realize half the time I am doing it. I just say or do whatever I have to do to get out of the moment. This means I lie, make the wrong decisions. really bad stuff.

I don't even know who to be "normal" I don't know how to stand up for what I believe or want because I don't know what I want and I certainly am not brave enough to deal with the consequences. Trouble is I am making more trouble and creating a real mess.

Does anyone know what this is I am doing? Has anyone else experiences this? Gotten over this with therapy?

I really struggle with my therapists, most I find have so many of their own problems they interfere with mine. I just had to choose a new therapist recently and I am hoping to get an apt next week.

Any information is appreciated