((((((((((((Chaotic)))))))))))
My guess is that you are a different person now.
I don't know your situation, but when i told details of what i had done, t explained to me that i was under 18, still a kid, (even tho i didn't feel like one) and that the things i did that i felt made me a monster were done to protect myself or others. The perspective does help.
Hopefully i will never have to resort to those things again because i am healtiher now and can actually choose the relationships and the ppl i am with.
hope this helps to some degree.
don't lose faith in yourself chaotic.