Thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply.

I am going to get counseling. I have to. I wonder if I'm not saying what I feel like saying because I'm not ready to hear the response. Maybe I'm not saying 'I feel it's over' because I am not ready yet to hear him say 'Ok then'. Besides, I wouldn't know if it's his anger, his reticence, his politeness, or his depression talking. The fact that he is not able or unwilling to 'fight' for this is hard to take. My girlfriends think he is off his head, but I suspect there is another explanation which includes his somewhat depressed and helpless frame of mind which renders him unable to give with the energy I want. Who knows if this is the real him or the by-product of things between us. I have no insight into his thinking processes. No faith in my own understanding of him.

I can say these things to him, but he will interpret it as an act of agression. He will not hear the sadness, only the anger. Why should I twist myself into a pretzel trying to be serene and kind when I don't feel that way with good reason? Just because that's what he needs right now?

How long, how long, how long?! That's what I want to know. How long before I have to say it's done and we're done.

I am not a long-suffering martyr in all this, I really want to stress that. He is not a bad guy at all. I just feel that all I'm getting for the past 6 months is politeness and courtesy. I want more than that. Of course. He seems to be happy when things are calm. Great. Calm is not saying what I want to say, not being the way I want to be, not expressing my anger because he can't take it.

This is only a half-life. Me waiting. Yet moving on despite it and wondering how far I can go before it's too late to turn back. I can't say this because it will be interpreted as an ultimatum. Maybe I shouldn't care if it is.