Oh my god, I've screwed everything up big time.

I gave up drinking about 3 years ago (but had a "slip" 8 months ago that was the final push to get me into therapy). I gave up my eating disorder almost a month ago - it would have been a month tomorrow.

Therapy Monday stirred up all of these old, painful feelings. Really bad stuff. I haven't been able to contain them, but I've tried really, really hard. I had no eating d/o, no drinking, NOTHING to do but feel them. T has been really helpful, but also quite busy, and I couldn't get in for an extra appointment.

So, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday go by and today I can't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it. So, I ate a small chocolate bar (like a hershey's miniature) which turned into three which turned into a bunch of doritoes. Then I was afraid I was going to purge, so I poured myself a glass of wine. And now I've %#@&#! everything up. I've had the wine. I've had the food. How can I see T tomorrow? How can I go back to AA?

I'm home alone in my messy house with my three kids, who are all occupied. I don't know what to do. I just want to put an end to all of the misery, but how can I - I know I can't, because of my sons. I feel lost and trapped and scared and stupid and just BAD.