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earthmama said:

Oh my god, I've screwed everything up big time.

I gave up drinking about 3 years ago (but had a "slip" 8 months ago that was the final push to get me into therapy). I gave up my eating disorder almost a month ago - it would have been a month tomorrow.

Therapy Monday stirred up all of these old, painful feelings. Really bad stuff. I haven't been able to contain them, but I've tried really, really hard. I had no eating d/o, no drinking, NOTHING to do but feel them. T has been really helpful, but also quite busy, and I couldn't get in for an extra appointment.

So, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday go by and today I can't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand it. So, I ate a small chocolate bar (like a hershey's miniature) which turned into three which turned into a bunch of doritoes. Then I was afraid I was going to purge, so I poured myself a glass of wine. And now I've %#@&#! everything up. I've had the wine. I've had the food. How can I see T tomorrow? How can I go back to AA?

I'm home alone in my messy house with my three kids, who are all occupied. I don't know what to do. I just want to put an end to all of the misery, but how can I - I know I can't, because of my sons. I feel lost and trapped and scared and stupid and just BAD.

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Hi earthmama!!!!! Good to see you here again.If it makes you feel any better, it's 4am, I haven't slept in two days (although about to shove off) and really need to brush my teeth Icky.

Unless you live in a museum, it's quite common for a mother with three kids to have a messy house you know. Stop hating yourself because dang it, you are a really insightful, intelligent person (and I don't even know you in real life!). Don't beat yourself up for making a mistake or two. That's the way life goes for all people. I have yet to meet a perfect person (some are just better at hiding that than others).

Here is something to consider for perspective: When we have good self esteem, a failure to reach a personal/professional goal is seen as a setback, nothing more. Good self esteem sees the problem for what it is, which is simply something that is correctable and can be solved. We recognize that we are only human and make mistakes from time to time.

If we have poor self esteem, when we fail to meet our own lofty, unrealistic goals (ppl. w/ poor self esteem always create absolutes for themselves), we instead internalize those feelings of failure and decide that we are going to own them as our very own. The poor self esteem mindset takes hold, which causes the cycle we call "setting ourselves up for failure." That means that because our goals are so lofty and thus, impossible to meet every single time, the person with poor self esteem will inevitably "fail." This causes a cycle that is very difficult to stop.

Next time----- call your sponsor BEFORE you pour the glass of wine. I guarantee that you won't hate yourself afterwards. Don't be so hard on yourself. You are going to be an EXCELLENT sponsor for someone some day.
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