~That makes sense and you describe it well.
How does this understaning affect how you feel/ are now?

I wonder as well, do you think/ feel that somehow the anxiety induced in you is somehow also like a hypnotic trance in that she needed you to hold/ or expereince the anxiety that she couldnt stand within herself? - Or maybe it wasnt quite as malignant as that?

I ask because I have been so puzzled about my own lifetime of behaviour and it seems to me that something was planted in me, a hidden agenda - of other's disowned shame, or at least one way or another I absorbed it, ........

My mother was narcissistic, therefor she lacked shame, and I got an OD of shame, which means, in a nutshell, I ended up carrying her disowned feelings. And I felt revulsion away from her, which would makes sense as I had been affected by her toxic stuff.

river