So is he saying you are not perceiving him as he is, but as you want him to be? How do you feel about that? Do you think that happens?

I do this, particularly people important in my life.
I think it can be an aspect of transference. Or is it something different? Or does it depend on our expectations?

With T, I have found that if I fantasize too much about her, it interferes with the reality of her. I still fantasize but I don't encourage it in myself like I used to. When the reality T collided with the fantasy T (usually during session, although I don't feel the effects until after), I was feeling disappointed in her among other things. Attunement can be difficult enough to have and I was creating an obstacle to it. If I don't see what I want to see there, nurturing in the way I want to hear it, reassurances in the way I want to hear them, then in my mind the memory of her in that session is that she was cold. She isn't. She does offer nurturing and reassurances but I've had to learn to listen for them.

Just this week she called me at work to check in on me after (another emotionally distressed) crisis. We only talk for about a minute, very briefly. She simply said she'd got my call, was I ok, and we'll put our heads together and see what we could come up with in regard to my crisis. Those words, "we'll put our heads together" were comforting to me and got me through that day and the next. I would never have imagined those words to be comforting or reassuring words. I'm surprised they were and I told T that last night. Exciting to be able to take in what she offers, to really feel the comfort and reassurance of the reality T.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
In the theraputic interaction, the therapist is made to feel the force of the fear of becoming nonexistent for the patient if he ceases to behave in compliance with the patient's projective identification'.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Is there more? Is he addressing his difficulty of being in this experience or is he attempting to help you gain awareness so you can have relief from how you experience it?