I woke up this morning with thoughts it would b better for me, if I wasn't here, alive anymore. I wanted to scream. I hate it. I wonder if it is the meds I take that cause me to think this way. I know I heard something about it can cause suicidal thoughts. I don't have a plan or any intention of hurting myself. I wish these thoughts would go away. I try so hard not to think of these things. In the last few years one person I knew did commit it and another person my mom tried to. I wonder if those have a factor. Of course, they are going to bother me for yrs to come.
I think my future looks bleak and how am I going to make ends meet. How will I be around someone who loves me. How will I survive. I cant deal with that now, maybe everything will b alright. No one can predicate the future. Maybe, I have nothing to worry about, then I say only a fool would not worry about my situation. How can I prepare. I am on disability and if I return to the work world, my benefits will be gone, of course, but if I can't keep job and lose it. I will be in major trouble. At least with my disability I would be able to
buy my groceries, if I lose a job, I would have no income whatsoever. I am caught between a rock and a hard place. In the past I haven't been good at holding a job for more than a year at a time. Also, right now I pay very little for my meds and my pdoc n T. I haven't had a chance to discuss these thoughts with my T, I have only seen him twice, at those times, it wasn't bothering me. My pdoc was only concerned if I hurt myself, he didn't seem to worried about the thoughts. But, these thoughts come and go. I DONT want them. It's awful. I'm afraid someday these thoughts I may take more seriously. It is so uncomfortable, why does my life have to be this way. Why have I had to suffer so much from this disease of bipolar? Now, I'm just feeling sorry for myself, it could be a lot worse. I just want these thoughts to go away. It makes me so sad.

Kibo