(((((((((((((((lostandlonely))))))))))))
I'm so sorry you are struggling. I know your ex hasn't died, but in my opinion it's still a grieving process that you might be working through.

My husband died several years ago. I used to have dreams all the time about him coming back, telling me it was a joke or telling me how sorry he was to have gone away, etc. I would wake up in the morning and it felt like I was starting over with him just having died. With time, the dream got less frequent but even now, there are periods of time, especially during holidays or events from our life together, that I get them. And again, I wake up in the morning, first wondering where he is and then it's almost as if he just died again.

I sometimes think that someone leaving might be even harder because they are still there and there is always the what if possibility in the background (even if realistically there isn't). When my husband died, it was done. And while I struggle with depression from it, and go through times when I just can't bear it and it feels like he just died, I think if he were alive and we broke up, it would be worse.

Grieving takes time and unfortunately there is no time limit to it. If it's interfering with your daily thoughts again, maybe it's time to consider going back to a therapist? You are older now and in a different place. That might make different things come up in therapy and you might be able to deal with things that you weren't able to previously.

Also, for me, my coping skills for things like that are very limited. If you struggle with similar, perhaps a therapist can help you learn some coping skills to get past those unbearable times.

Please take care and let us know how things are going. You're in my thoughts.