Hi sugarmagnolia,
I'm so glad you were brave enough to post. There are some really wonderful people here and I'm glad you are getting some support.

One thing that I noticed reading your post is that from age 11 on you've been suffering with depression. That's hard. Sometimes chemicals can be off and/or sometimes things happen in our past that we might not even be aware of that can cause reactions in our today.

I don't know your boyfriend obviously so I don't know if he's trustworthy. For me, sometimes I am triggered by something someone does that does not even seem related to my past. Sometimes I realize what it is (and it can be anything from a tone of voice to a gesture, etc), but often times I don't until much much later, if at all.

My T has said sometimes when emotions get high and one doesn't know what to do with them, they can either be shoved down, released in a negative way or taken care of in a healthy way. Invariably when they are shoved down, eventually the person blows, either inwardly or outwardly.

I'm glad you have some help with medicines. Do you also have a therapist that can help you learn some new and different ways of dealing with the overwhelming emotions?

Perhaps also, you can talk to your bf and together figure out some ways that can help you feel safer with him. He may be unknowingly doing things that trigger your trust issues. It's hard though if you don't know what the triggers are. Maybe a T can help you with that too.

I'm kind of rambling so please take what is useful and throw away the rest.

Best of luck to you and please keep us posted.