Hi guys,

Thank you. I hear what you are both saying. Sure. Couples counseling, now. Sunrise, I have to clarify that my husband said that he could imagine talking to someone together in response to my asking him if he could imagine it. That's all. It wasn't his idea, it wasn't an invitation. If he had extended such an offer I would have jumped at it.

He is in a period of fragility, total fragility. I cannot bring myself to impose on him (still protecting him so I am), to reveal myself to someone who I feel barely sees me, nor can I bring myself to risk getting angry and frustrated with him by talking about it and seeing a lack of response. It's all very delicate.

I can't even tell him what I just wrote above. No, wait, I think I have said it, actually, and quite clearly too, but because there was no response and no real reaction to it, it feels as if it never happened.
Oh, that sounds scary.
Maybe that's why I am better off putting him out of my mind entirely. When I start thinking about it I feel as if I will never get anywhere with it. That's what was worrying me originally, a few days ago when I posted. I was worrying that I was leaving in my mind and wondering how far I would go before I couldn't go back.

You're right, Gordian, this situation can't continue. Not indefinitley. No. When I just think about him and me, like two individuals floating in an indistinct world, I think it will take as long as it takes and nothing can hurt either of us and nothing else matters except for what we need and want. When I start thinking about two individuals in a not so indistinct world, but the one with jobs and rents and social occasions and holidays and experiences to have, then it becomes more pressing.

Imagine, he has no idea, none whatsoever, what I am doing now. He has no idea I am writing this, these words, or having these thoughts, or that there are people on the other side of the world who don't know me who are lending an ear and their experiences. He has no idea how this happened or how it feels or how interesting it is.

You're right, Sunrise, he needs to know what he can do to not disappoint me. You're right that I would find it hard to tell him. Mainly because of the fear I've always had: that it would be too much for him, that he would feel overwhelmed and incapable.

You guys are great. Thank you for, everything.