My last couple of sessions before my most recent one have been pretty intense, as has outside of therapy. It's hard to describe, but I think I had a transformative experience, as in life-changing. I haven't been able to write about it because it was too... too... too... something. (And it sounds melodramatic when I write it.) It had to do with my recognizing how I felt about a certain behavior I have that dates back to childhood. The recognition of how I felt about this (how could I not know?) made me want to change that age-old behavior, and I did. It was kind of amazing for me. It made me feel very happy. I sat in T's office and was beaming. He beamed back. I said, simply, "I feel happy," and he was delighted. I don't remember ever saying or feeling anything remotely like that in his office before. I hope this experience has a lasting effect and I can keep this up--my changed behavior pattern. T recognized the significance of this moment completely, and I love him for that. It was also wonderful to be able to share this with T and I told him that. (I was really letting lose with the positive feelings in therapy, and that was so unusual too, and so wonderful.) In response, he said, "I am honored. You have laid this on our altar and I accept." It was a solemn moment, made almost holy by T’s choice of words.

In all of this, I'm not quite sure what happened. There are cusp moments, turning points in our lives, and from our vantage point in the future we can look back and identify these. I feel and hope this is one of those, and it is a gift to be able to see it now, instead of not until the future.

In my most recent session, things were different. It was kicking back and taking it easy, going less deep and being more practical. We didn't mention the stuff from before. That's what I mean by the ebb and flow of therapy. On the one hand, it is disappointing to me. On the other hand, I am somewhat exhausted by all of this. And still processing. I was not a leader in therapy during this session. T was quite directive and I just let him run with it. He invited me to move into considering the future with him now. Raising questions, but not necessarily answering them, visualizing how things might be and what I want out of life. I was more receptive to this than I have been before, and we talked a little on this topic. It's a start. But it’s unsettling too, as it fills me with an underlying uneasiness—is this the beginning of our end? Do I really have to do this? (Can I just run away now?)