Thanks for the replies Kaika & Wishfulmuscle.

Sometimes I think I want to stop because it's unfair that other people can eat and I can't because I'm fat. In my own eyes.

And when people tell me not to eat, it makes me think they think I'm fat as well.

They just don't see that I'm fighting against it all the time, fighting for acceptance... to be told that i'm "ok". I'm good enough. I don't need to lose weight anymore.

Maybe I want to hear, "if you lose any more weight you'll look terrible".

But I'm so short that being underweight suits me.. probably. and I realised in Geneva, where people were kinda tanned, that being bony really suit them. If you're pale and really skinny, it looks rather freaky.

I know you musn't diet for someone else. You must do it for you. I want to look good for me, I swear I do, but I know I will never look good in my eyes.

Last year in October I was sitting with my bf at a coffee house and I was telling him about ponies, really small ones, and he said that only Japanese can ride them because they weigh so little. Like 80 pounds.. I asked if that was normal over there and he said no, but it's the ideal.

can i just cry here please...

His ex-gfs were Japanese. He said it was stupid, that he almost got himself manipulated, they expected him to become someone else. That with me, he knows what real love is.

But I can't get over the fact that he has had someone much more beautiful than me, and I will never be beautiful. I will always be a big frickin whale.

which is why he is most likely constantly looking for something better. i can't even stand to look into his eyes because I feel he doesn't love me anymore, that I'm just a big whale who deserves no love at all in the end.

And even my mom can't stand me weighing less than her. When I lose weight, she makes me eat so much that I gain 10 pounds and she brags about weighing 115 while I weigh 125 and feel terrible about it. I don't know what she wants! Maybe she just wants me to feel crap about me.

I hate myself but don't want to die because it scares me.. but I want to show everyone what I am capable of. that I indeed do have willpower. I just want to be happy with myself.

it never stops.. even if you want it to.