I was just discharged after three weeks in the hospital. I realized something that I feel I need to remember and somehow need to let others read this to accomplish that. So...here goes: For the first time in seven years I am coming to some conclusions that may mean that I am starting to change. Slowly. I must let the past be. I must let it have the part of me it has taken and just let it be. I cannot think of a better way of putting it. Just let it be. Not move on or forgive or accept. Just let it be. Seven years have passed in which I have been engulfed by the things that have happened. Now I just have to let it be. John Lennon. It happened. Now is now. I am letting the past just bring further trauma into the here and now and this must stop. I have paid my dues. I do not have to let it destroy me any longer. The hurt may have its part of me but not all. I am not only my pain. There is more to me. It is the only answer with which I will survive. I have given myself to the pain and need to realize that that pain needs no more ading to it. I must not forget this. The past has been over for some time now, even though more trauma has occured by the hospitals and the police through section 12 commitments. But this trauma I mean is a result of not letting the past be. So to prevent further trauma in my life I must not forget this. It is the only answer. I must begin to build a life past the trauma and with the trauma. All of it. It is the only way. Why must I pay for my past so bitterly? There is only the obvious answer. Enough is enough. It has taken enough of me. The rest of my being is for the present and the furutre. And this is the only way there will be a furture. Just let it be. But in small staps. Baby staeps. I will deal with the pain as it comes. A boxer in the ring who lives only with the past punches cannot face the oncomong punches. Or duck them. Or fight the fight and punch back. If your lungs are filled only with the past breaths it has taken it cannot fill its lungs with fresh air. Let it be.