I thought my husband the last week or so had been distant, fed up. I begun to shut down because of this until today he asked me what was wrong? I said I've been wondering the same thing about you? we nearly rowed, but managed to keep the conversation going.

After we talked his account actually started to ring true, he noticed a change in me as long ago as I first started struggling with depression and telling T about how I feel like life has lost its meaning.

I guess I am shocked at how I convinced myself that I on the outside looked the same but it was my hubby that was down, fed up, depressed?

We talked and I said eventually about how its not anythign to do with him, its me, its therapy, its voices in my head. But now I feel under pressure to be "happy", he said if I want to leave I can, I'm 46 work p/t in a shop and have 3 children, where the %#@&#! am I going to go? thats how he feels I am, that I want to go. Now I feel afraid that perhaps I do? perhaps if I Had more confidence, finances I would, but this is also alien to me, I thought everything was ok, yeah I get fed up at times, %#@&#! we've been married 23yrs.

Right now I feel pressured, I dont want to have to smile, unyet I feel if I can't pull out of this he will leave..his basically a good bloke, but it seems my depression isnt' something his going to tolerate...wow this kind of stuff really helps with depression!..I keep trying to smile but the heavyness just pulls me down again, I can' t find that spark, I just want to lie down in a dark room and stay there for life...how would I feel if my hubby was like this? if the shoe was on the other foot? I dunno, I guess it is hard on those around us? I've never thought about, always thought I wore a good mask, but it appears I dont.

I feel in a very unfamilar place right now, afraid that my depression isn[t going to lift...want hubby to know I do care about him, but I just can't show it right now...oh %#@&#!, this is to much pressure! this feels like hell on earth right now.