The trigger icon has been applied for anyone who feels they may be triggered by a therapist's emotional disclosure to a patient-- I understand that this post may trigger some people who are extremely sensitive to anything that could be perceived as a break in the therapeutic boundary; however, I assure you that all is safe.

As some of you know, T and I got into the erotic transference topic last session. When I left, there was a woman in the waiting room. I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out because not only did it comfirm that I am not T's only female patient (lol, I know...), but she was there on Saturday-- my Saturday! I had also sent T an email telling him that I often feel as though that the only way to work through the erotic transference is if he would just admit that he felt some of those feelings for me, too-- if he says nothing, then it is automatically perceived as a rejection.

Yesterday, with about 10 minutes left in the session, I told T about the woman in the waiting room, and how I wanted to scratch her eyeballs out. T was amazing-- not only did he validate my feelings, but he said a couple things that I wanted to say, but was feeling a bit too ashamed to admit. T said, "You view Saturday as your day here-- is there any reason why you wouldn't feel jealous of seeing a woman here?" Then he said that he could understand why I would feel angry, imagining that other connections exist outside of our relationship. T said that he could tell the change in my body language and facial expression when I left his office that day. He said he noticed my shoulders stiffen as I walked out of the room. T said, "How did you handle this when you left? I'm assuming you didn't do what you said you were going to do, unless I never see that client again!" Hahaha

Then I asked him, again, if he was scared. I asked him this because sometimes I am afraid that each time I express erotic transference, I am pushing him away.

My session ends at 11:30 on Saturday mornings. At 11:28, T said, "Yes, sometimes I am scared. Not of you, but of certain feelings."

T dropped a therapist doorknob. I looked at the clock, looked at him, and said, "You have exactly two minutes to explain."

T said that sometimes the feelings that our relationship brings up, for him, can be scary. He said that he has to be willing to explore them, and at times, ask himself what is going on for him. He said that the best thing about the relationship is the strict boundaries and, "knowing where this relationship can't go." He asked me if I thought that just because I was the patient, I was the only one who could feel these feelings. Of course I said, "Uhh yeah. You are the therapist, so you are exempt from these feelings." T said, "No one is God-- if I was exempt, what would I be? I'm human." (He use the "no one is God" expression in response to a poem that I written which I had shared with him earlier int he session). I asked him if it was uncomfortable for him, sometimes, to discuss the erotic aspects of the relationship. He was honest, and said that sometimes it is.

He said that there is a writer, Nancy Bridges, I think... who wrote about erotic transference. He said that she wrote that the therapeutic relationship is the best way to experience levels of intimacy-- moreso than any other relationshp because so often, sex can complicate a connection. He said that in our relationship, we have those boundaries, so we can take risks and explore the feelings, while knowing the places that the relationship can't go.

Whoa.

So yeah. I don't know. I guess what I really want to ask him now is why he felt that it was okay to express this stuff at this time. The risk that he took was quite amazing, knowing my intense feelings-- he must trust the relationship a lot.

Of course, there is a part of me that is doubting the entire thing, like I misunderstood (this basically happens every time he makes any type of emotional disclsosure to me). I convince myself that I think he was talking about one thing, when in reality it was totally something else. Like, maybe he was just talking about.... something. I don't know. Something else. I have a lot of questions for him. I don't know if he can answer. If I understood any of this correnctly, then it helps to know that he is human. It helps to not feel rejected. It helps to know that the feelings can be explored openly and safely because the boundaries are there.

The 1st thing that T asked me in the sessin was, "So... what don't you want to talk about today?" I told him, "I don't want to talk about anything that happened last session, and I don't want to talk about that email!"

The very last thing T said in the session was, "Whew! Well, at least we didn't talk about that!" LOL.