Well, after months (5 to be exact) of unemployment, I finally got a job. My benefits were due to be cut off within the next few weeks and that worried me a lot. I'm now a store manager for a watch company at those little stands in the malls.

I have to go away for a weeks worth of training to a different state - staying at the Hampton Inn. I should be really glad something came through, but all week I've been praying for something to mess it up.

I don't know if anyone of you remember, but I just recently changed Ts. My old one's mailbox is finally closed and there is no more communication. The new one is so different - I'm not very fond of him. I called my new T last week to tell him that I was getting severe migraines on Abilify - his suggestion was to just cut the pill in half. I simply stopped taking it. I called him a few days ago to tell him I needed something else and to refill my Ambien since I was going to be gone for all of next week. My second appt. with him is not till the 28th (approx. 3 weeks since the first one). I have been going through a lot of stress and the time frame has not helped. It took me 3 calls to get on something else (now on Geodon) and he never did refill the Ambien. Now I'm stuck for a week not sleeping well.

I am also terrified of working again. My self-esteem has always been really bad and I don't think I can handle the stress and responsibility of working. That's one reason I applied for disability a few months ago - something I can't wait for any longer due to financial reasons (husband is on disability). I'm afraid while I am gone that there is no more safety net for me. My old T had wanted me hospitalized during this time of stress and transition of new Ts, but I couldn't. Now he's gone, and I have no one to talk to IRL.

I've been able to spend so much time with my son, and it has been so nice. Now I'm without him and far away. I'm going to be alone and the urges are going to be so bad, that I'm scared of me.

I leave first thing in the morning and won't return till Friday night, late. I'm seriously worried here.

Mary Alice