Hi W2F, I am sorry that you find yourself in such a distressing place. I have also been in some pretty distressing places. What helped me to recover was to understand that I was who I was because of my experiences and if I wanted to change anything about myself I had to understand how I got there and understand my issues well. Once you do this any change is possible.
I also found myself alone and what I realized is that I had put up this thick wall for protection. Why did I need that? Because I hadn't learned any social skills while growing up, I had low self esteem, I had weak personal boundaries so I was unable to protect myself from others in very simple situations, and other things that I cannot remember right now. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you can find another way that makes you happier and more comfortable with yourself and life.
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Don't let your problems or the world make you feel small. Stretch your arms out over your head. Take a deep breathe. Tell yourself that you are big. You are big, not small. You always have space, you are not trapped........
I'm an ISFJ
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