Hi W2F, I am sorry that you find yourself in such a distressing place. I have also been in some pretty distressing places. What helped me to recover was to understand that I was who I was because of my experiences and if I wanted to change anything about myself I had to understand how I got there and understand my issues well. Once you do this any change is possible.

I also found myself alone and what I realized is that I had put up this thick wall for protection. Why did I need that? Because I hadn't learned any social skills while growing up, I had low self esteem, I had weak personal boundaries so I was unable to protect myself from others in very simple situations, and other things that I cannot remember right now. I guess I just wanted to tell you that you can find another way that makes you happier and more comfortable with yourself and life.