Trigger warning.

So I visited him earlier.

I apologized to him. This whole blame thing drives me crazy. I said sorry and all he did was laugh at first, that cruel, mocking laugh showing that he doesn't give a ^$%! and he's still proud of himself that he has completely ruined his little brother forever. The laugh he used to laugh when he'd hurt he, violate me... the laugh that echoes in my head as I write this.

I asked him why he did it. What drove him to do it.
He said it was because I was stupid, because I deserved it.

I asked him what his childhood was like. He's my half-brother, his mum left dad when she was pregnant with him.
He said it was fine, he was never hurt. His mum was well off while she was alive, he had great grades, lots of friends. Is it wrong I almost wanted him to say something bad happened in his childhood? At least it would provide some justification to what he did to me if he had said something horrific had happened. I never wish bad on a childhood but if he had said something it would have at least given me something to say, "I bet that's why he hurt me for so long."

The only justification is I'm a worthless &^#& and that's how I deserve to be treated.

He said he had heard Vlad died- but he wasn't sorry. He said I was probably a lousy father.

&^**%*^&^(. Triggered right now. Feel awful. They'd all be better off without me.

Someone sit with me please.
I hate asking for help or support but I need.