hi,

I'm new here and this is my first post. For context: I'm a 22-year-old female from New England who just graduated from college and is moving to France for a year at the end of September ...

About four weeks ago I decided to be perfectly candid with my internist and describe what I'd been going through for the past two years, after I had a particularly bad emotional breakdown in my parents' bathroom. The antidepressants she had described simply weren't working, and after trying to fit me in after two weeks and upping my meds over the phone, I finally got an appointment and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'd been partially expecting this ... I knew that something was wrong, but hearing her words were a shock. She said she didn't feel qualified to treat me long-term and referred me to a psychiatrist near my home in CT (although I'm spending the summer in Boston). She put me on a mood stabilizer as well as reducing the antidepressants -- and this morning I had my first appointment with my psychiatrist. After an hour, trying to tell her my "story" as candidly as I could (including many things I would much rather forget) she confirmed it - I am bipolar -- just like my mother is (which my parents told me *after* I was diagnosed two weeks ago).

She said that she is going to help me and we were going to get through this together. My dad (who's my rock) said that he still adores me and that no matter where I am in the world (I'm an avid traveler) he will come and get me if anything goes wrong so that I won't wind up in the "krankenhouse" (psychiatric word), as we call it.

Yet, despite this, ever since my internist said that I *was* bipolar, I've been simply terrified. I know it's ridiculous, I have a supportive family who will get me the best psychiatric treatment wherever I travel and/or live in the future ... and yet, I'm so scared that I am going to go crazy again and be hospitalized. My little brother wound up there in April for a day (he's 21 and has a variety of disorders although he is not bipolar), and I can't sleep, fearing that I am going to be next -- that there's a big sign over my head screaming "bipolar" - "freak" and that men in white coats will come and take me away ...

thank you.