Hi and welcome to pc. I'm sorry you are having such a tough time with this. Many people feel the way you do. I felt overwhelmed and slightly relieved when I was diagnosed. Up to the point I was diagnosed I only thought I was suffering from depression that no antidepressant could help. I have a few points that may help you come to grips with your diagnosis.

First you are not to be blamed for this disease. There is a physical reason for it and it doesn't change who you are. You now only have a name for the trouble you have with your moods.

Second you have nothing to be ashamed of. You seem to be feeding into the crappy stigma that some people, regrettably a lot of people have, that if you have bipolar you are crazy or a freak or unable to contribute to society or that you are damaged goods. They are wrong and you will come to realize that this disease isn't easy to deal with, but doesn't have to define you. Besides you are in good company here is a list of people who you may have heard of that also have bipolar: Buzz Aldrin, Hans Christian Andersen, Ludwig Van Beethoven, Tim Burton, Lord Byron, Agatha Christie, Winston Churchill, Rosemary Clooney, Charles Dickens, Emily Dickinson, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Robert Frost, Cary Grant, John Keats, Abraham Lincoln, Isaac Newton, Florence Nightingale, Plato, Edgar Allan Poe, Robert Louis Stevenson, Alfred Lord Tennyson, Mark Twain, Walt Whitman, and Virginia Woolf.

Third you don't go "crazy" you are having an episode and you need to become aware of your triggers for having one, find the right meds to help balance your moods, and have a good psychiatrist to help you when things get tough.

Fourth not everyone who has bipolar ends up in a hospistal. I'm bipolar and have never experienced hospitalization so there is no reason to belive that you will end up in the hospital. It does happen and it is good that it is an option when it is needed, but it isn't a given that you will have to go.

Fifth please keep posting we are here to help and support each other and as we some friends we can take with you no matter where you travel.

Good luck. I hope this helps and we hear from you again soon.