(((((((((((((((((((((((((( wishfulmuscle ))))))))))))))))))))))))))

As much as it hurts - and I know it hurts a LOT - I really believe that getting to the "why" of our eating disorders is a step towards healing.

It was so weird to read your post, because last week, I was just where you are. I gave up my eating d/o about a month ago. The first 2 or 3 weeks went surprisingly well - I had found a new, healthy way to eat, and was feeling pretty good. But then the feelings started - the self-loathing, the feeling that there is something wrong with me, I'll never be good enough, no one could ever really love me. And there was nothing to do with them, without the eating d/o to fall back on, and I really wasn't sure if I wanted to live or die. It was SUCH a dark, awful place. I ended up relapsing for a few days.

I've seen T twice since then, and I'm trying to look at the relapse as a learning experience instead of a big failure, and starting today, I'm trying again. I know the feelings will come back, but I'm going to try to be ready for them this time, and T promised he will help me through it.

I guess what I'm saying is......I understand exactly how you're feeling. And I'm sorry it's so hard. It's so, SO hard.

Do you have a T??

One thing that helped me was to just let myself feel bad, WITHOUT beating myself up for feeling bad. I hate myself, and then I hate myself for hating myself, and it just gets all piled up and feels worse and worse. So, I just let myself think/feel "I really hate myself right now" and stopped it there. Weirdly, it helped take away the desperate quality of the bad feelings. I still felt bad - just not as totally desperately bad.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((( wishfulmuscle )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Please don't give up.