I have it exactly the same!

dang, i don't have any advice because i'm not in therapy and i don't handle it well at all myself either. i guess... try to fight the urges to hurt yourself. rationalising is hard but i don't know. during the trip i was constantly thinking i had to leave him first, but then i kept telling myself i can't leave him without seeing him. and i also thought he had someone else but didn't want to ruin my holiday. and i tried not to think about it, i went on long walks, talked with my mom, listened to music, read books, did all sorts of stuff i enjoyed.

do you have a friend you can confide in? my former best friend lets me pour my heart out to him, i tell him he doesn't have to offer any constructive support, just say he is listening, and that helps. because sometimes the stuff i tell him is really rough. also if you can come to pc during the trip you can write about it here.

sorry if i wasnn't helpful at all. but i hope to hear from you more. sending you positive thoughts!

katie