Since last week's sessions my emotions have run the gamut from feeling that T is rejecting me to knowing in my heart that is not a possibility. I feel like I a dog chasing her tail because no matter how hard I work to try and sort this out, I can't resolve it. I have been emotionally taxed. I am tired. I haven't slept well for four nights now. I am stuck in an obsessive-compulsive thinking cycle and my mind is working overtime.

And yeah, although I can write these things out, when it comes time for therapy I can't articulate them well at all and some kind of garbage comes out of my mouth.

I have been thinking about how I may be repeating a long ago pattern from my childhood and how alone I always was. I became used to problem solving on my own. So, now that I have this wonderfully compassionate person to share my pain with, I have to work hard at not seeing him as an intruder in my life but a helper. The interactions in-session feel so intense because I never developed an intimate relationship with anyone--at least not to that degree. So I think my mind is protecting me somehow by creating this exit strategy. Sometimes no matter what he says I interpret it with a negative view. But why? I don't want to stop. I just feel so sad right now, as if this means that my therapy with T has ended because I am not capable of holding onto the relationship now and I don't know how to continue and he probably is tossing my *** out.

Which came first--the chicken or the egg?

I see him later today. Wish me luck.