Didn't put trigger warning, didn't think it needed it... but be safe if you're in a really bad place.

...

Can you ever trust again after you've been so abused? I look at my "friends" who I trusted for years, I think of how they hurt me, how I had pushed those memories away for so long. I look at any of my friends now and the first thing I think is, I wonder if they hurt me or if they will hurt me.

I read anger into everything, if a friend looks at me in the wrong way I assume they're going to hurt me like so many others did.

I'm scared when I post my true feelings I'll be ridiculed and mocked. People can say they don't hate me, but I find it hard not to read hate into things. I'm a mess, I woke up this morning and realized I'm scared of everyone.

And asking for help... I can't. I realized I have so much trouble asking for help. Someone will offer help and I can't take it. A friend will say, call anytime. I actually can't bring myself to call them first, I have to wait until they actually call me, otherwise I feel I am being weak and I'm prone to being hurt.

I feel so guarded but I know why I put these barriers up. I'm a mess. All this blame, the feelings, feeling alone and without help... Sorry to whine.