(((complic8d)))

Shame is an interesting subject for me. Many months ago I was asking my T for reading material -- anything he thought might help in my healing. The next week he handed me an article on Shame. My first reaction was 'I don't have shame'. My second 'how can I get rid of it'. It took me some time to even digest *what* Shame is.

A few ideas from the article that helped -- Shame is a normal feeling, but it is not something we talk about much in this society. Other cultures deal with shame more openly, but western society almost acts like it doesn't exist.

The writer gave an example where he was buying a book, and was shortchanged by $1. He knew he was owed that dollar, but something made him pause before he asked for the $1, and that was shame. Even though he had not made a mistake, he was embarrassed to ask for what was rightfully his. The root of that might be issues of self-worth, and the ability to speak up for one's needs.

Since I don't think it is possible to 'get rid of shame', I started to think about why shame was there -- what was its purpose? I had been viewing Shame as this dark boogeyman in the corner, something that scared me and something I wanted to avoid. Then I asked: 'What purpose does Shame have in my life?'

I realized Shame was trying to protect me. It was trying to protect me from being hurt further. It was being a faithful guard, and I thanked it for always watching out for me. I then let it know that I appreciated his help (for me it was a man), and he can take a rest for a little while while I am talking with my T. It was gradual, but just being aware of my Shame and accepting its presence has been very healing.

So, how do you view your relationship with Shame? What does Shame look like? How could Shame be trying to help you? If you were to write a letter to your Shame, what would it say?

I personified my shame, and tried to make peace. It is an ongoing process of awareness, but the big turning point for me was when I acknowledged my Shame, and thanked it for trying to protect me.

Maybe if you don't feel comfortable talking about the issues you feel shame about...you could talk about Shame itself.


Owl