My T is teaching me that I have to ask, very clearly, for what I need. If I e-mail and don't specifically ask him to respond, he will read the e-mail but not respond. If I call him and don't indicate I need him to call me back, he won't call me back. He called once out of the blue when I was in crisis last week, but that was the first time that's ever happened, and I won't be surprised at ALL if it never happens again. And that's okay.

Earlier in therapy, I LONGED for T to contact me. I have really never asked for what I need - I barely know how, and it felt humiliating for me to ask for some reason. Maybe having needs was a sign of weakness? Maybe I expected the answer to be "no" as it was throughout my childhood? Perhaps I thought I would be punished for having needs? I KNOW I thought any need I had would be "too much" and I would be told to just go away.

T has gently encouraged me, again and again, to ask for what I need. And now I can do it, with him. In fact, I felt like I needed contact with him today, and I sent him an e-mail with the subject line "World's Neediest Client Needs E-Mail!" And I got the e-mail from him that I needed. I guess when it comes to T, I'm finally accepting (on good days) that I have needs, and that's okay with him, and he will always meet them for me if he can (and he won't be angry about it!)

Outside of T, it's still a work in progress, to put it mildly. For me, having needs = being vulnerable, and I'm not ready to let anyone but T (and whoever happens to read the boards on PC, apparently!) know that I am vulnerable. Just can't go there yet.

(((((((((((((((((( Chaotic13 )))))))))))))))))))))) Really good topic!