I've been noticing how it's often some relatively little thing that knocks the wind out of our sails . .

We look for confirmation of self-worth in outer conditions, what other people tells us, how our lives our going . . .

Instead of to the inner. I know how CBT tells us to write down the counter arguments to straighten out the stinkin' thinkin' but the Forums are an important way that I get that input -- kind of like letting other people to the CBT work for me. Does that mean that using the Forums as a reality check means that I'm still looking outside of myself, to other people, for approval.

Here's something that has discouraged me this week. I got a small freelance assignment. This work was sample work that I am submitting to my client who is trying to land a bigger client that would provide me with good paying work for 4-6 weeks.

I can be obsessive about my writing. And there were some very strict requirements about how these pieces were to be done. So I took quite a long time to do them.

When I submitted my hourly bill, as per agreement, I made it clear that all charges were negotiable. Before I even started work on the assignment, I said that I wanted the larger job to be paid by the piece, so that I absorb the costs of perfectionism, not the client.

My client accepted my bill without flinching. He deals solely with Fortune 500 companies, and I am sure he bills at a rate of hundreds of dollars per hour. I would expect that my billing seems puny to him.

But he did comment that my work times seemed long. I wrote back and agreed that 3-4/hour of these short blurbs was a pace I would be able to manage once I was in full swing.

But now I wonder if I should have lied about how long the pieces took me so my complete times where more in line with expectations. And if he is going to give the work to someone else if the big job comes through.

I am really beating myself up for not handling this better.

I also had a telephone interview for a good job yesterday, and I am really worried that I won't get invited to the next round of interviews.