chaotic, this is a really good thread. Thank you.
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1. How do YOU let other people know you want or need some support?
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">chaotic, in only my first or second session with my first therapist, the CBT person I went to when I was at the lowest of the low and barely functioning, we somehow got on my expectations for how I was going to get through this crisis. I told her I was coming to her to deal with this problem (that was the sole avenue for help I had taken). She corrected me immediately on that one! She told me that she could not do it all, that she was meeting with me only one hour a week, and I needed to put effort into building up my support network. This was something really important she worked with me on early in therapy. I tried to build up my support network (non-existent) of family and friends, even just by telling them how much trouble I was having. I had refused to tell anyone anything up until that point (that's why I went to see the therapist--I didn't want people who knew me to know what dire straits I was in). It was very slow going, but I did take some steps to build up my network and tell some people what I was going through. The very first person I told was one of my sisters. She was so helpful and understanding. It was great to share my burden with her. Slowly I told a few others over the course of months and months. Even though I sometimes malign my first therapist for not having been able to help me as much as I needed, this was one valuable thing she did for me--to get me on the track to having more help in my life than just a therapist. Also, and I didn't think of this then, when you do eventually terminate therapy, this helps there not be such a support void, if you built up your network.
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2. When you don't seem to get the response that you think you want, how do you decide if the lack of response stems from a communication error on your end or simply that you are being ignored?
</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">I come from a 20 year marriage in which my H met none of my needs. I knew this even before we got married and the effect it had on me was that I came to not ask him for anything or tell him any of my needs, because he always rejected me. The constant pain and hurt made me learn rather quickly not to tell him my needs. This was easy for me to learn as it was not dissimilar to some childhood experiences. So my answer is that the reason a person does not respond when you tell them your needs is because the person doesn't care about you. My H is the most self-centered person I have ever met and he truly has not ever cared about me. If a person cares, they will try to meet your needs. It is not that your needs are going "unheard" (unless you don't state them well), it is that the person is choosing to not meet them for certain reasons: doesn't care about you (my H), isn't capable (my Mom), wants to hurt you, doesn't have the relationship with you that makes it comfortable to respond (a casual friend, a business acquaintance), etc.
chaotic, what I hear in your post is partly that you somehow consider this all your fault, that you are not stating your needs clearly, etc. Well, maybe that is part of it, but it is a two way street, and if you have stated your needs and the other person refuses, then could it be that this rejection comes from them and doesn't necessarily mean you stated your request wrong? Sometimes requests go unheard because people choose not to hear.
chaotic, it sounds like your T does not respond to your emails, as a general rule. I think if you really want a response, you should not do email. You should call her directly. This would indicate greater need, since you are not in the habit of doing this. From your past posts, it has sounded like you frequently send your T emails going over your feelings, the session experience, etc., so your T may have even established a pattern of not opening and reading your emails until right before your session to bring herself up to date and remind herself where you were at last time. Could you try calling her next time you really need a response? I think it is easy for some people to hide behind the medium of the email (e.g. me!) and it is actually good for us to learn to make phone calls and tell people things directly with our voice instead of in writing.
earthmama, I loved the story about your box. I loved how your T met your needs.
