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Echoes said:
On top of all that... what is it I want or need? Half the time I don't know! I feel so stupid saying that, but there ya go, it's how I am.

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Exactly, this week I really don't know what I wanted, so how can I explicitly ask for it?

I think during weeks like this it is just hard for me believe that my T is sincere in the things she says. I had a lot of people in my life who claimed to care about me, when all they wanted was to use and manipulate me. Why assume that she is any different? I feel sincerity, compassion, and caring during the session, but later my mind starts to doubt this and looks for proof that I was not just imagining it (just wishful thinking). I really just want to know that there is someone out there that appreciates what I am experiencing and who is available if I need them.

The other night my oldest must have had a nightmare and woke up disoriented and disturbed. He came to my our bedroom, half awake, stood at the door for a minute and then when back to his own bed. He didn't really need to be held and comforted, he just needed to know that we were physically there.

I don't think I really needed to talk with my T this week. I just needed to know that she was for real. That she was there and at least minimally concerned about me. Her lack of even a two word reply, suggests that-- she is not. For someone like me, this just serves a reminder that this whole relationship is just an illusion or front to get me to lower my defenses and humiliate myself by talking about very intimate things with her.

I don't know, I guess I am just sadden to know that her caring it is not real that we really are just alone in this world.