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Sunrise said:
chaotic, what I hear in your post is partly that you somehow consider this all your fault.

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I do tend to assume what there is a miscommunication that it is my fault or my responsibility to correct the issue.

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chaotic, it sounds like your T does not respond to your emails, as a general rule. I think if you really want a response, you should not do email. You should call her directly.

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Unfortunately this statement is totally correct and I know it. I continue to want support via this medium, even though I never get it. Why???

I think this is a great question for more than just me. Why do people keep dreaming of having sex with their T or having their T bring them home and adopt them, even though it is NEVER going to happen? Why do people keep trying to make their marriage work, when it is NEVER going to meet their needs? In my earlier story about my mother. No matter how much she wished for, or how loudly she exhaled,... I was not going to move to help her until she did something I found intolerable (crying). Although a simple reply doesn't seem to be a big deal.... It is not going to happen.

The phone option doesn't seem to match with what I am capable.
I think for one... communication via phone is too intense and seems to create an even greater demand on my T's time. It also requires a middle man. I think if I could simply leave a message on a private office line, I might be OK with the phone option. However, when you call you have to either speak with the office manager or the answering service. I find the answering service the worst? "Their office does not open until 10, is this an emergency, what is your name and phone number." Also I imagine calling and having my T say.. "How can I help you, what do you need from me?" and I have no real answer...Oh, ah just wanted to see if you would actually call me back or not." or "Um... Could you just tell me again why it is OK for an adult to seek comforting from someone." "Hi, I just wanted to let you know that after being asked to describe details about ____, that I had flashbacks and got nauseous just washing dishes." "I was thinking about the class I have this weekend, and got scared about possibly freaking." Or Miss C here a good one... "I am having trouble settling down tonight .. do you think we could do a little transference thing were you could virtually scratch my back for a while until I fell asleep. (LOL)

I don't need to hear my T's voice or to ask her a question, I just need to know that the fact that I am struggling matters to someone. I guess this is stupid because.. it really doesn't matter to anyone but me.

I also know that if I really want a reply, I should explicitly say "I WANT A REPLY". But I don't, Why?

I think maybe I just want to want and I am not paying my T enough to indulge me.