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chaotic13 said:
I had a lot of people in my life who claimed to care about me, when all they wanted was to use and manipulate me. Why assume that she is any different? I feel sincerity, compassion, and caring during the session, but later my mind starts to doubt this and looks for proof that I was not just imagining it (just wishful thinking)



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Oh, YEAH. I get this so, so, so, so much. Have you told her you feel like this? T and I go around and around about this. In the session, the caring feels so "real" but it is so hard to hang onto that between sessions. We talk about this all the time, and it's why I have my marble. AND it's why I go twice a week. I just can't hang on to it for that long, and believe it. It's getting better - but it's taken a lot (I mean a LOT) of talking, testing, etc.

I don't know how to put another quote in here, but you also said:
I don't think I really needed to talk with my T this week. I just needed to know that she was for real. That she was there and at least minimally concerned about me.
So, this is maybe what you needed? To know she is out there, and for real? I need that too. I have sent my T e-mails that specifically say things like "I just need to connect with you" or "I just need to know you're still there"

I probably sound in these posts like I'm super great at asking to have my needs met but believe me, this stuff tears me up. In a lot of ways, this has probably been the focus of my therapy for many, many months. This is hard stuff - especially when we grew up in invalidating, even abusive, environments. Really hard stuff.

((((((((((((((((((((((chaotic)))))))))))))))))))))))))))