I'm not in therapy anymore. That is a long story. I didn't really choose that path, but I did in a way. I was removed from my therapist and refused to let them place me with someone else. So while I wasn't discharged, I walked away. Essentially, I lost trust in the clinic.

I've recently come to the realization that while i've been in a relapse for a while, my therapist had worked hard for a while to pull me out of it and the only thing that even got her close was me being placed on high dose prednisone (60 mgs a day ... I was weaned off the prednisone within a few weeks of being removed from her care ...which, was, by the way, neither her choice, nor mine).

The restricting went right back to where it had been before the prednisone ... and in a month, I start college (EVEN though I'm 43 years old) and am rather excited ...not about going back to school ...but about the fabulous fitness facility the school provides.

The plans ruminating through my mind of what I can now do, the success I can have (finances have prevented me from membership in a gym for over 20 years) ...

and a realization that ... I'm treading on very very danger ground ...as I pulled out a piece of paper and started to calculate how quickly ... doing what exercises could get me where ...

The simple answer is ...to call that therapist that it is recommended that I go back to see ...

but my trust level of the clinic has been demolished the day they removed me from the care of the therapist that I trusted. I would be forever waiting for the shoe to drop ...

The need to start over again ...with yet another person ... to tell my story yet again ...

as well as to add an appt a week to my very busy week with school and being the mother of 2 teenagers and wife to 1 52 year old man who is not healthy ....

I can give a 100 reasons why it is too much for me .... and yet ... i've got plans running through my head as how my relapse is going to work ...

and i know that's stupid ...and dangerous ...

and the ironic thing is ... i'm going back to school to major in psychology.