Mentions death... don't read if easily triggered.

Evening comes around again, reminds me of how I feel...

I should be happy, I went outside for a bit, nature is amazing, but of course I'm not, I never am. If happiness comes to those who deserve it, I wouldn't get any anyways, because I don't deserve it- all I do is %#@&#! people off. Sometimes I think I'm reading emotions wrong but then I read it again and I'm sure I'm not. Do I trust people, do I not. I seem to be only good for bothering people. Someone says "hi" to me and my first reaction is to want to apologize. I'm so stupid.

I mess up with my friends... heck, I can't even tell who my friends ARE any more. Who is real, who is not, who hates me, who doesn't. I'm just a big mess up, who screws everyone up and screws everything up. People can say "I care", sometimes I believe it, I want to believe it, but words read so hollow to me with evil intent.

I don't know if I matter to other people, I don't matter to myself. I can't support other people very well, my advice is &%@#, and I can't support myself. My kids would be off with a better father, one that wasn't a complete screw up, one who mattered, someone smart. Someone who didn't %#@&#! everyone off, even though I never aim to intend to. I'm still the idiot child I used to be.

All be better off without me. I'm useless except for &^%$ing everyone's lives up. And whining, here I am being stupid and whining. I should go throw my keyboard out the window or bash my hand into a wall so I can't type anymore.

I miss Vlad. I need him. He deserved such a better father then me, my brother was right. I loved him so much and maybe he forgot that before he passed. Why couldn't I have died instead? At least I would deserve it- not him.

Sorry to be such an idiot.