Oh oh.

Therapy suddenly feels sexually charged to me. I have been way, way, WAY more sexual with my husband since starting therapy - like WAY more. I've brought that up to T quite a few times and he always asks "why do you think that is?" - and I always say that maybe it's because I'm starting to feel my feelings more in general. I've always had this little voice in the back of my mind asking me "is it because you find T so attractive?" and I always just tell myself, NO WAY. My transference with him is SO parental (I think)

I kind of think I've been in denial - just not letting myself go there. The whole thing is starting to feel more and more sexually charged to me. I know it's because he's so attentive, we're so tuned in to each other, he goes way way out of his way to give me what I need. And he's really attractive, so there's that.

So, I had T this evening and we talked a lot about a sexual experience I had with my husband. Maybe just sitting and talking to a man about having sex is kind of a sexual thing in itself? Anyhow, later in session the topic turned to childhood stuff I really didn't want to get into, and I told him I didn't want to talk about it. In fact, I was starting to feel really upset and I told him that. So he said, well what do you want to do? I said, what are my options? He said we could talk about anything I want, or we could play Uno, or whatever. So I said, can we REALLY play Uno? He said sure and got the Uno cards.

So, when we play Uno, we sit on the floor together. He leans against his chair and I lean against the couch and we stretch out our legs with the deck of cards between us....so we're sitting by each others feet. We're physically much closer than usual. Once we got down on the floor, we actually ended up not playing Uno, and we just sat and talked. It was intense and intimate. We were talking about anger, and he told me about being a boxer in college. That did it. I was like SWOONING all of a sudden.

I can't believe this. I SO did not expect erotic transference for so many reasons, not the least of which is my history of SA with a minister/counselor in high school. Among other things. I mean, when I came to therapy, the LAST thing I expected was erotic transference.

Oh my gosh. What am I supposed to do with this? He's so tuned in, he probably already knows. It feels like a waste of therapy time to talk about it when there is so much other stuff going on. Or is this exactly what we should talk about??