my grandma died in march.....i still cry when i think about her...i feel almost unworthy of living when she is no longer living....she was my everything, she was perfect and i love her more than anything in the world
i got to the funeral home and i felt sick.....i wanted to just kill myself...why the hell do people come and socialize with a dead body in the room. i ran away for awhile...i walked in 6 inch heels to a grocery store, i had to cross a main street and my mind was telling me to just stop in the middle of it and not move, but i knew i couldnt do that....she wouldnt want that....but the funeral was the hardest thing id ever experienced in my life. i miss her more than anything....I dont deserve life when it was taken from such a great person. I feel like every thing i do, i am dissapointing her....im not the greatest daughter, or person in general and i know shed want me to do better....it hurts alot to think im not living up to my potential.
i value life more than any posession i own. I have trouble killing things, or watching people kill things....i cant kill flies or ants...or plants even...and when i know i stepped on an ant or didnt do my part to save a insect or animal, i pray....intensely...because i did spare something death....
idk if this is the way to handle things, but i think its my way of coping and trying to make up for not being ther for her when she needed me the most...

thank you for reading