The last month has been hell. Things that once use to enjoy have ceased to be an enjoyment. I'm snappy and can't concentrate. It feels as if my life is falling apart in front of me. BUT then this morning I sat with myself and realised the lack of finding joy and being snappy is all fear. I am changing INSIDE, its INSIDE things are falling apart, everything I've ever felt or thought is being challenged from the INSIDE, its scary, I don't have my regular me to be with, I feel I suddenly with a stranger that I dont know much about...T wrote in an email the other day that theres a theory that we have to break down to break through. You know out of fear my head says, "if I'd known this would happen I would never have entered therapy, I want me back", but I know I can't just stop now, the process of change has begun...suddenly its all very very real, its not "pretend" stuff anymore. Its not about missing T and wondering if she likes me kinda of stuff now, it feels like a fight for surivial, but I guess all the stuff that went before, the wondering if she likes me, the missing her has all been the build up to trusting her and knowing that with her I can fall apart? except the part thats been negotiating all of this has just been out of my awareness, perhaps its that part that I now need to trust will get me through.