Not sure if posting here will do any good, but I can not not talk about it some place. This morning has been extrememly bad, actually shaking pretty good about right now, so it's a little diffecult to type.

About an hour ago, my son ( step-son) had me by the troat and against the wall screaming and spitting in my face. He had also grabbed the phone when I went to dial 911. Luckly I had my girls (dogs) out side when all of this was going on. They are scared to death of him. Guess it would help if I brought up a little history on this.

My son, stayed with me when his mother left us, because according to him he wanted to make sure I was okay. Anyways, yesterday I had told him that I wanted what we called the office cleaned up. From all his mess, the closest I can discribe it is a garbage dump is cleaner. I have been after him for 3 months to clean it, and even cleaned it 2 times before against my better judgement. He was planning on going out with a friend of his last night to do something or other, and I told him that was fine if he finished cleaning the office.

Around 4:30 he said he was taking bags out to the garage and never came back in, He left to do what ever him and his friend was planning on doing, he had not finished the office by the way. When he got home around 10 last night, I told him I wanted him to finish his job, and if he didn't I would wake him up when I got up. Which I did.

Well one thing lead to another, him saying I will get to it when I get to it, read that as I will not do it. Which is his normal response, when I told him that was not the way things worked. That he skipped out on the job yesterday, and that I warned him what would happen if he did not finish it up by this morning.

With in short order he was up out of his chair pushing me out of the office yelling and screaming. Pined my against the wall, with his hand around my throat. I reached for my phone and started to dial 911 when he grabbed it and pushed me back. Now I am not a big man, and because of my depression and so forth I have lost abour 40lbs so I weight roughly 110lbs about right now. Though if I lost my cool he would have been on the floor (corps training.) He has a worse mouth on him the a sailor as the saying goes. And wishes I was dead, and the next time he will kill me...

My son has had an exceptional hard time of things since he has been a baby. Between being molested as a child, why his mother did not take care of matters then I do not know. It was only after she had left that I found a lot of this stuff out. And he has toureets(sp), which just compounds the issue.

His mother has not called him in over 2 months, and his grandmother in over 5. His whole family as he knows it has abandoned him, and I just about want to cry when I think about it. Not that it is an excuse for the way he treats me, don't get me wrong.

I know that he will not ever change, and I fear that he will end up either killing me or god forbid his wife and/or kids if he ever gets a family of his own. I had made a promise to him, long ago that I would never give up on him. That there was nothing on this earth other then God himself, that would make me break that promise. The exceptionally bad thing about this is that he has great potental, both with what he can do when he applys himself and caring. I have seen him when he thought I was not looking helping people like the elderly.

But I am getting to the point to where I can't handle it any more, and that troubles me. And I do realize that at some point that I am either going to have him escorted out of the house and/or have him leave. There by, in my mind, break my promise. Which of course not helping my current down swing at all.

I really don't know why I get out of bed every morning and fight myself, and on days like this stuff happen with him. I know if he stays and this continues, I'll just get worse and/or end up in the hospital or worse 6 feet under. On the flip side if I have to have him leave, I will be feeling the guilt of breaking my promise I had made to him and tossing him out into a world he is not prepared for. I am also afraid that at some point, I will lose control and step out of myself and take him down hard. I don't want to hurt my son, I could not live with myself any longer.

I can't stand it any more, I don't need more of stuff that I am unable to handle. But I can't give up at the same time, what ever it is deep down inside that will not let me just give up, so I have to keep going.

I wish some times, I could just disappear........