I had a crappy, misattuned session with T on Tuesday. Of course he brought up a lot of interesting points, but I still felt the need to end the session by telling him, "screw you." He asked me to write him an email, indicating what I would have wanted him to say in session.

So that's what i did. I wrote him the most honest, open emaiil ever. You would not believe the stuff I admitted to him in that email.

Next day he leaves me a phone message to tell me that he responded to the email and to give him a call to let him know when a good time to call me back was. I check my email a few times at work-- no response. Finally, I speak with him after work-- we have no clue what happened to the email because he did sent it. Shitface said that he has no copy of it, so he'll try to paraphrase (he doesn't have a 'sent' mail folder?)

T's main thing about the erotic transference is wanting me to think about why the validation of my feelings and the conntected feelings are so dependent on what he thinks. He said it all goes back to Winnicott's idea of the comfort of being alone with oneself. One again, I was filled with self-doubt because in the past I was all about other peoples' emotions and reactions dictating how I felt-- and I noticed that I have been working really hard on this and have suceeded in validating my own feelings, regardless of what the other person thinks/feels. However, T is right (I hate saying that)-- I am way too focused on how he thinks/feels about me.

He said that this opens the door for a lot of great work to be done-- including figured out where the origin of the erotic transference is coming from. T said I use my anger as a defense so that I don't have to figure it out-- again, he is right (%#@&#! him). Anger is the emotion that I am most comfortable connecting with. When I get anger I can just tell him "%#@&#! you," and then put the wall up so I don't have to explore what is going on for me.

T mentioned that he doesn't feel that it therapeutically beneficial for any therapist to disclose his erotic fantasies or feelings towards a patient, should they exist. He went on to remind me of the many cases in the past in which male T/female patient relationships turned abusive. This leaves me a bit confused because I sitll have no idea what the %#@&#! he was talking about in the original session that kicked all of this off. This entire thing has confused the hell out of me.

I am totally going to therapy on Saturday wearing one of these two disguises so that he won't recognize me: