So, I admitted my erotic transference to T today. Why did I feel compelled to do that? Somehow, I thought it would be a lighthearted conversation (?????) but it SO was not. I could barely stay present, and he kept saying "please stay here. I want you to stay here". I think I was there for most of it.

Obviously, his reaction was just total acceptance. He's not scared of me, he's not disgusted, why wouldn't I feel that way?, etc., etc.

It was pretty intense. He said he was worried I would pull away now (me too) and that I would be stuck with a bunch of shame over the weekend (uh, yeah). I said I was worried that he would redraw the boundaries. He says he won't. Although I did ask "will things change now?" and he said "I don't think so". I don't THINK so?! That's not quite the level of reassurance I was looking for.

Once I left and could think more clearly, I called and left him a message that I'm left more with fear than with shame (right now). And that the ET feelings are like 10% of what I feel for him. We play and laugh a lot in therapy - I'm scared that will be taken away. I want to explain to him that all of the OTHER feelings are the same.

Honestly, just talking about it seems to have cut it WAY WAY down for right now. Don't know if that's because I'm kind of shut down, or if it's because now that the feelings are out of my head, out in the open, they are just less BIG.

Oh - at the end of the session, he asked how I want to end. I asked him if he was scared to come over (to the couch, our usual ending). He was like "of course not" and came and sat. I gave him one hand to hold and didn't look at him. He asked "can I have a glance?" - so I peeked at him. He didn't look scared.

I hope when he calls me later I feel a little more okay with all of this after we talk. I feel pretty certain this will be easier to talk about on the phone than face to face!

Ugh.