I think you are putting yourself down still, this is understandable, but you really do deserve lots of time and focus on you. This does not mean you are guilty or doing things wrong or somehow not compassionate.

I believe it really is fine if you decide you don't want to wait for anyone else to change and grow. You can focus on your own well being for now.

I was struck by what you wrote about having children and feeling that if you did, you would have two kids, meaning the child and your husband. Oh I so hear you on that one! Exactly what happened to me. I divorced my husband and focused on my child. I'm glad I did so.

If you want children I strongly suggest you find someone who also really wants children and is adult enough, mature enough, and ready for them. You and your possible child deserve that.

Therapy will be very helpful.