What helped me begin to accept that it couldn't have been my fault I had to go out and watch some kids the same age as I was then. Also dig out a photo of myself at that age. Watch them play...at a playground or someplace. Connect with their innocence. My T asks me all the time "WHAT could a child that age do to DESERVE that?" Nothing of course. Why do I give myself different rules and expectations? Dunno. I am starting to 'get it'. But I am also avoiding really accepting that...because then I have to deal with the unfairness of it all. If *I* am at fault then it makes sense. If I'm not..then its just wrong and I cant deal with that kind of pain. Or at least I dont think I can. My T says I dealt with it once...and I am older now and have more tools at my disposal. I'm not so sure. But am willing to try to learn.